I’ve had a few threesomes in my life. Maybe a few more than a few (I’ve lost count.) Being a unicorn is fun, and I like to think that I’ve gotten quite good at it. We’re called unicorns because, well, we’re rather hard to find - and even harder to keep a hold of.
Maybe he’s been thinking about it, but was nervous to tell her because he assumed she would think he just wants an excuse to cheat on her (and maybe that he watches too much porn.) Unbeknownst to him, she’s also been dreaming of it, but was nervous to tell him because she assumed he would think she was a lesbian and didn’t love him anymore or maybe he would just look at her differently. Maybe he worried that he would get jealous. Maybe she worried that she would get jealous.
But then one night, after a few glasses of wine, they just started talking. She said she’d thought about it a lot. He said he’d thought about it a lot. He said it would turn him on to see her with a woman. She said it would turn her on to see him with another woman. She can’t believe she said that out loud, is that weird? She also wants to explore her bisexuality. He says that he wants her to get to know that side of herself. He feels bad that he’s holding her back. She doesn’t think he’s holding her back. In fact, sharing this experience might bring them closer. Both of them doing this. Or that. Oh that would be so hot. Right? Fuck, now I’m horny. Ugh, I wish we could have one right now.
They can both breathe. The hard part is over. They’re on the same page with everything else, so why did they think this would be any different? The hard part’s over.
Just kidding. That was the proposal. Now you have to plan a wedding.
I feel for couples who are looking to have their first threesome. Where do you even start? How do you find the right person? How do you make sure everyone is having a good time and feels taken care of? How do you even like…find someone?? We have a couple of options here
1. You could go the old fashioned route: just go to bars and being weird to strangers. I don’t necessarily recommend if you’re goal-oriented and like to plan ahead.
2. You could just ask all the bisexual women that you know. I also don’t recommend this. In addition to being a rude thing to ask unprompted, you could make things weird with that person in perpetuity.
3. Apps are an option. A lot of the standard ones are not amenable to couples (meaning: you will get kicked off Tinder and Hinge if they find out.)
4. You could try to not get kicked off the mainstream apps by pretending to be a single person and then sneak in that you “happen to also have another hot female friend or you happen to have a bisexual wife/girlfriend, you know if you’re interested…” I do not recommend this either. In addition to being a general dickhead move, it’s manipulative and deceitful. No one deserves to have the wool pulled over their eyes.
5. Some of the kinkier apps like Feeld let you link accounts for unicorn searching. This is an option. There are plenty of people on there who like playing with couples.
But with any of these options, best case scenario, you make all your horny dreams come true in…a couple of weeks? A couple of months? This depends on where you live and how many people might be available. How long will it take for you to trust this new person? How long will it take them to become comfortable with you? Have they ever had a threesome before? Do you trust them to communicate how they feel in the moment? What if they back out at the last minute? What if you have kids, where do you go?
And maybe you spend three months talking to and getting to know person after person, but they all fizzle out. Maybe you find out you’re not interested in them, or maybe the unicorn just slips through your fingers for reasons unknown. Now you’re talking to the fifth, sixth, seventh potential threesome unicorn and you notice your tone has grown a little more desperate. You’re a little more panicked that this one also won’t work out. You’re becoming defeated. She begins to ask herself if it’s worth it. He begins to ask himself if it’s worth it. Aren’t you both cool and fun?
The unfortunate reality is this: couples looking for a unicorn are a dime a dozen. A horny, bisexual woman could have a different threesome every night of the week. Maybe two in a day if they plan diligently.
This doesn’t mean that being a unicorn for couples is easy. There’s a lot of work that goes into being a unicorn. As a unicorn, you’re a fantasy-fulfiller. Threesomes are fun, but they’re a completely different experience than one-on-one sex. There’s a lot of pressure to make this experience memorable for them. You’re attempting to live up to the porn they’ve been replaying in their heads. You’re also doing your best to make sure everyone feels taken care of. You want to pay attention to him, but not too much attention. You want to pay attention to her but not too much attention that he feels left out. What remains for the unicorn? Sometimes it’s not much.
Maybe the couple had a great time, but the unicorn felt like collateral damage. They got exactly what they wanted, but she was so busy attending to everyone else’s needs that she never felt taken care of.
Maybe they text her sixth months later asking if they could do ti again and she wouldn’t even respond.
And now the couple is back to square one.
But there is a 6th option: Reach out to an escort
But what if instead of hunting down a stranger with limited experience, you had a threesome with someone who practices boundaries for a living.
What if you could have a threesome with someone who is also a planner and goal-oriented. You could divulge your fantasy to your partner and then bring it to fruition when and where you want.
Everyone would be comfortable and safe. Everyone would have a great time.
You would have your fantasy fulfilled. You would replay those mental images in your heads over and over as much as you’d like.
The escort unicorn would feel accomplished in helping a couple achieve a new level of desire. She would feel valued because her time was being compensated. They would laugh and have a great time. She would both people felt attended to.
The unicorn escort would leave the threesome happy. The couple would leave the threesome happy.
And when they email her six months later asking if she wants to meet up again, she would say, Absolutely.
That would be too good to be true, right?